… it’s always, sometimes, often the time to find your balance. Sometimes a harder time than others, sometimes an easier time. Sometimes we go looking for balance and it’s not there, and we wonder and hope and pray against prayer that we’ve simply left it with our keys in the other room.

A random entry beginning? What did you think this was, a tech blog?

I’ve been a resident medical officer for a good four-five weeks now. Seven-eight if you count the overlap of the year to pay period time, where I was paid as an intern but had been basically on the job, as it were, for the time allotted, thanks to NSW health adjusting the clinical year. For those weeks, I have been remarkably balanced, mentally and (hah) physically. I have found that Ben upstairs is basically keeping to himself, keeping the dust down, and having good, solid conversations in which he is able to hold a solid, three way conversation with himself.

What changed? An emotional breakthrough regarding women and life? Not in particular, albeit the whole life (from last year) situation still bubbling along without resolution being less of an issue due to, simply, letting it flow through. Medication, as mentioned last time? Surely, but not entirely. Living in a new house with a lovely housemate and having human companionship again? Most definitely. A combination of multiples? Yes.

What’s new in my life… well. This diary has missed several major events, because I haven’t included them. Let’s just say a few things: I’m having surgery in six weeks on my groin, and will hopefully be pain free, for the first time in three years (after a bit of pre/rehab) and that is something to Look Forward To. I am engaging in what I call conversation, perhaps flirtation, with some delightful people whom I have the pleasure of currently working with. I’m running through an emergency medicine term and enjoying it, such as it is, as well as looking forward to returning To The Ward again, due to the nature of Shift Work being a horrible beast of inconsistency and inconsideration.

I think that, for the past two months, whether it’s due to the new housemate, the medication, the new job levelling up, the new rotation, the new flirtations, the change in scenery, whatever it may be… I’m feeling reasonably happy. Positive. That’s good, I think. I miss, a little, the melancholy, but not completely. It’s nice to simply be idling along and be happy in myself, almost, again. I haven’t felt this way, I think, since before T & I were actually together – happy by myself.

That is not to disparage T, nor V, nor the gap in between. But rather, when I was with T, I was happy as part of a composite. When we separated, I was unhappy single, then crazy depressive manic insane med school etc, then V and I were together and I was happy again, as part of a composite. Now, nearly a year after we split, I find myself feeling happy, approximately, without the craziness and the ongoing mania, and I think to myself… 

This is likely, all things considered, good. I think the word I want, right now, is contentment. 

Let’s stick with that. I wonder how long it will last.

   

-Benjamin Andiyar